Answer to... I never Wanted to Work… I just wanted to be a Mom

Tonight I read a post by another blogger and she asked how other parents felt and I went to reply but it turned into a blog of my own so I am going to answer it here on my own blog. 

You can find Midget Momma's post here. 

As a child I always dreamed of working with people. Some of the things I wanted to do were become a Lawyer, change the world, work in the peace corp, but being sick from birth this was really unrealistic for me. It didn't stop me from pushing myself when I was well though. 

Even though the Dr.'s didn't want me working I took on a few jobs growing up like babysitting, picking strawberries, feeding calves, milking cows, working in a mom and pop store. 

Once I was a mom I returned to work from time to time when we needed money even though the Dr.'s said I shouldn't. Over the last 24 + years of being both a mom and wife I returned to the mom and pop store I had worked in as a teen, then moved onto a grocery store, cleaned houses, ran my own child care, worked with the mentally disabled, worked at a theater, dabbled in merchandising, and finally settled on Blogging which fits right in with my life. 

I have a weak immune system that I have lived with since birth, several blood disorders, bad kidneys, and the final blow that put my life on hold was getting fibromyalgia. My body finally said look enough is enough you have been warned not to work too many times we are shutting it down. So here I am wondering what to do. 

Over the years I have written diaries, online journals, and after several of my readers said I should start a blog, which I really knew nothing about I said sure I'll give it a try. Others said you can review products and keep them for free. Others said some companies will even pay you. 

I am not making enough to pay any one bill, but over the year I am able to put away gifts for Birthdays, Christmas, as well as having gift cards on hand to purchase things for our home. I don't get to pick the stores that I get the gift cards for, but I make do the best I can. 

My husband was hurt at his job several years ago. Recently his workman's comp had ended and they say he will be disabled for the rest of his life. So here we are waiting for his Disability to go through. Just a note, they turn down everyone who is under 50 the first time (at least this is what I have been told). My husband has always been a good worker, a overtime hog, moved up the ladder in any of his jobs quickly, loved by his coworkers, and now that is gone. He has gone through all kinds of emotional moments because of not being able to do things he used to do. It is so sad that one fall can change your life in so many ways. 

Right now we are depending on Public Assistance which we thought we would never have to do again. We were on it a short time when we were still teen parents, never expecting that we would have to depend on it again. I recently had my Disability court date and the third party person told the Judge with my problems there would be no job I could keep for any length of time. That was really depressing. 

You may be asking what about blogging? Well not everyone who blogs can make a rent or mortgage payment much less a car payment per month, so am I going to give up blogging? Not at all. I love to talk and write so blogging is a perfect way for me to stay in touch with others on my own time, around my illnesses, and still be home to take care of my children (although most days they really take care of me). Big parts of me are gone forever and some parts resurface from time to time and then I over do things to get back on track. 

For instance I used to be able to look after 12+ child care children, our own 4 at the time, as well as take care of the house, run errands, and have dinner on the table, as long as I wasn't ill. Now if I get the dishes done once or twice a month it is a miracle. I am currently blogging from time to time for Best Buy which either pays me in product or a gift card. I hope to have enough Gift cards to purchase a portable dish washer as we do not own our home, but this might help me out enough that I can again give my family a nice hot meal on the table more then 2-3 times a month. 

When I have energy I use it all up and end up in pain for many days after. The Dr. keeps telling me I can not do what I used to do that I shouldn't have been doing in the first place, that I have to pace myself. I tell him it is hard to pace myself on a good day because I just want to get as much done as I can so I can feel good about what I have accomplished. 

Sure I have tons of happy pictures from this summer from getaways with our children. What you don't see is me sitting down in one area and letting my children go on the rides around the area I was sitting in, or when we could get a electric scooter me rolling around so they could see more of the parks we went too. We went to the beach and had a great time, but for 3 days  after I was in so much pain that I couldn't do anything other then get out of bed, stay in my pajamas, and wish I could do things around the house. 

Having Fibromyalgia is no fun, being disabled sucks, but I try to keep my head up when I can, along with having faith that this is the path I am supposed to be on while on this Earth. 

Back to the question. "I would love to hear your feelings if you have been in this situation or some tips on how to handle the mommy guilt and feeling like crap about working when being a Mom was what you wanted to do vs working like you are." quoted from Midget Momma

Do I feel guilty about when I worked out of the home? I sure do I missed out on my older children's youth as well as finding out years later things were not always what they seemed when I was putting in all of those overtime hours. Our children kind of raised themselves when we were not home for about 4 and half years, things were not always kosher. I can't change what happened in the past, all I can do is make things different now. I still beat myself up about working outside of the home more often then anyone would know. 

My children have missed out on lots of things because of me being sick so often, but the days I am well I try to make the best of the time we have together and hope someday they will look back like I do on my parents and say how did they do it all? 

Blogging has actually made it possible to do more things with my children then I ever imagined, from free trips, toys, products for the home, as well as opening my children up to how the retail world, commercials, advertising, and yes even us bloggers help products get noticed by others. 

I wanted to be a mother, not someone who worked outside of the home, but when you are raising your children and need money to pay the bills sometimes these things happen. I am lucky, all of my children are alive, sure some really bad things happened to them, but they are alive and well. I can't take back what happened yesterday but I can change tomorrow.

My faith gets me through, as well as lots of meditation, yoga, love for my family, stubbornness (being a taurus does that), a will to survive, and prayer. I have a zeal for life, smile everyday and love to learn new things. 

I have always said if you do not enjoy your job, then don't do it and move on. If it doesn't make you happy then it isn't right for you. For my friend blogger out there, take time for your children everyday. Even if that means bringing them into the blog to review items, spend time reading that book you have to review for children. Let them tell you how they liked it and write it from their perspective. Work early in the morning or late in the evening, but make sure you take time for yourself as well. 

I love to talk and write but I also love to read, which I try ti fit in everyday, and I don't mean reading to the kids before bed which we call snuggles and stories. One of my favorite things in the world to do is to take a bath and read. With Fibromyalgia I can not get into the bathtube and out again so on those good days when I can I relish the time I have to lay back and take a bath while reading.

From one mom to another life is hard and you have to do the best with what you were given. Some people have more, some people have less I am somewhere in between and I am fine with that. Hugs to all of the moms out there, take one day at a time, cherish the time you have now, tomorrow is not promised. 

Samantha is struggling

Some of you may remember that Samantha blessed us with our first granddaughter while she was still in High School. Having a baby didn't stop her from completing school on time, or even being the first teen mother to pump milk in our school.

The day after graduation she started working and from then on she never stopped until she went on leave for our second grand daughter's birth. After she had her second baby things went South pretty quickly. I noticed she was losing weight way to quickly. Her excuse was that she was working a lot, running, and taking care of the girls, which left me saying well maybe but the weight didn't stop and soon I asked to see her hands and sure enough she had teeth mark scars on on her knuckles from making herself vomit after eating.

On top of this she would stop eating for days, binge, and then purge. I told her she had to talk to the Dr. or I would and that I would tell them she was coming in to see them because the eating disorder was taking over her mind. Even with the Dr.'s help with her having no insurance she couldn't stay on her medication. Soon she was in and out of the hospital being infused with vitamins and them trying to get her to eat.

She decided to move far away thinking that would stop everything and if it didn't she would be closer to facilities for eating disorders that are not near where we live. Living in the country and being in a poor county doesn't help places that can help daughters like mine set up business.

She has been in and out a few times since she has moved, she has a Dr, and specialists, as well as a clinic that is trying to help her. The last time she was in the Hospital, which she still is in they had her on a feeding tube. She had gone two weeks without vomiting and today stress got to her from something that shouldn't have even been done by someone so close to her because they know that stress is her number one trigger. If she doesn't feel like she has control of the situation she resorts to vomitting or not eating because that is the one things that she can control, or more like what controls her now.

She is just 21 with 2 little girls to take care of and a not so stable relationship. Her being far away is also putting stress on our family. Everytime the phone rings we worry. I want to just go, pick her and the girls up, bring them back here, so I can take care of them, but she is an adult, she likes her freedom. I want to give her that room, but the mom in me doesn't like it one little bit. I worry about her day and night and can't sleep most nights. I usually start falling asleep of pure exhaustion in the early hours of the morning when the sun is starting to come up.

For my other religious readers. I know I try to give it to God but the human side of me worries about her, my heart aches for her. I want it to be like when she was little so that I can just hug or kiss the boo boo away but it just won't help this time. Prayer is the best thing I can do for her along with being here to listen to her when she wants to talk.

Samantha is struggling but I still have faith that she will overcome this sickness, and be able to move on to raise her two granddaughters and see them someday give her grand children of her own. That is my wish for her. To be happy everyday with herself. To love herself, so she can love others.

I don't think she or my other children will ever realize just how much I love, care, dream, or think about them every minute of the day. Besides God waking me everyday, they are one of the first things and last things I think about each day, the reason I keep moving on. They are my life.

My Lost Son

Why did I name this "My Lost Son". Well here is the story from what I know, he got mad at us for something, blaming us for others, and can't come to terms with the damage he caused to his siblings from choices he made.

He cut off contact with us and wants us to figure out what is wrong. Well I tell you I know what is wrong his mind is clouded with drinking and drug use, he is not listening to God.

Do I still love him? You bet I do. Everyone makes mistakes and until he is ready to live up to the ones he made, his mind will be clouded with blaming others instead of trying to make amends for things he did that he knew were wrong, and doesn't want to admit to.

Most of the things he did wrong I didn't even get to talk to him about because I didn't find out about them until he had left the nest, so is his mind playing with him, making him feel guilty and his only recourse is to hate his parents.

That might be the case but either way I hope he comes to his senses before his father or I pass on. Until then I will continue to pray for him.

I miss being able to talk to him, hear about his magic shows, and how life is being married now. (We weren't even invited to his wedding, and no one who would have set him straight was either, they only invited the people who follow instead of lead).  I hope someday to be able to catch up on it all.

Everytime we our out near where he lives I hope to run into him, catch a glimpse of him, anything to hold on to. Every now and then someone sneaks me a picture of him which I look at daily until I get a new one.

He was my first born, looks like both his dad and mine which makes him quite the catch. I wish him and his wife all the luck in the world, but hope he never forgets about his family or how we raised him to be strong, independent, adaptive, forgiving, and loving of God.

One day I hope to write to you all and let you know that our son has returned. I was kind of hoping he would watch "confessions of a prodigal son", so he could understand that we love him unconditionally, no matter what he has done wrong, we will always listen to him, be here for him, until we have passed on , and then I hope our words of encouragement throughout the years keep him moving forward.

If you happen to read this Buke know we will always love you.

Life isn't always easy

I guess I will start with what has been going on with my husband since last year. He graduated being on the President's list every semester, and is now sporting a nice Degree. He may plan to go back to school and go for the next step in his degree, but for now he is taking a little time off.

Being disabled and going to college really took its toll on him. He is thankful he was able to go but wasn't even able to go to graduation because the walk, standing, etc was just too hard on his leg, and back, but don't worry we got some pictures of my husband all dressed up in his finest on the day my daughter Dennise graduated from high school a little more then a month later.

His workman's comp case ended leaving him disabled for the rest of his life. He has a lot of roadblocks on how he can work, how much time he can work, and where even in a building his office will have to be because of him not being able to walk that well.

We are currently waiting for his Disability to kick in, until then well we are struggling a bit, Ok more like a lot. We are a strong family that can adapt but the road has been a bit rough to say the least. He is in pain every day with both his leg and back , as well as having edema.

When we first noticed the edema they said his heart, blood pressure etc was fine, but months have gone by and now my husband's blood pressure has been high for a while, with the edema not going away. We are due for a physical soon and then we will know how he really is doing after the new blood tests come back.

He is used to working long hours, overtime, and giving it his all. He isn't used to depending on others and it makes him more then a little angry at the smallest things. He is used to being the one with the strength to get everything done, not the one who needs help with things he could do easily before. There are things he could do in minutes that takes him all day to do, things that took hours that take weeks, and some things he only wishes he could still do.

He never really understood what being disabled really meant until it happened to him. The thing is there are people with way worse things going on with their disabilities and he wonders just how to they get along when he has such a hard time.

Each disability is different and has different effects on each persons life that is attached to it from the very person who has the disability to the family and friends they are surrounded by. We take each day at a time, and try to get through his hard days.

Lots of yelling and anger come from him but I know this time will pass and it will regulate, he is just having a hard time getting used to it. He would usually depend on me in the end but with me having Fibromyalgia even I can only do so much for him, and it falls short in so many ways. Prayer is always accepted for our family, matter of fact it is welcomed.

Life isn't always easy, but I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else.

Always something unexpected

It has been almost a year since my last update. Boy does time fly by. In case you didn't know I am still blogging over on my Blog MarksvilleandMe, which I think I have told my readers before, but just in case I thought I would throw that out there for anyone who missed it. Of course One mother;s account of daily life is linked over there so if you would like to follow there as well you can read my other blog as well. It is more of a review site but then again I do throw in a few personal blogs as well.

I am still finding my niche to writing a blog, it has grown by leaps and bounds. I am learning a lot along the way and it seems to be working.  I continue to thank my first readers of my blogs from other sites I have frequented over the years and hope you will continue the journey with our family throughout the years ahead.

Life has been super busy with my children, family, and friends. Ups and Downs along the way with twists hard enough to turn us right upside down. We always seem to get turned right side up again, but it takes work and lots of faith in God.

I will try to get into more of what has been happening in the last year with out losing you by going back and forth. I am thinking I will do a post on each family member and then one on the family as a whole. That might work. I do apologise for keeping everyone on the edge of their seats for so long but hopefully you are following me over on facebook and my other social media, catching a glimpse or two of what has been going on.

I had brought up my computer to do a blog before turning in for the night and did not expect my computer to take a fall off of our bed. It works but now sports a cracked screen which I believe we have coverage for, but going without my computer while it is getting fixed could be a problem so I will have to see what my husband's plan is to keep me up and blogging while it is out being repaired.

Life is full of unexpected happenings...take each day one second at a time. Breathe and make your way through...one step at a time.

Buddy Bench and Soccer.

Thought I would stop by to update while my homemade spaghetti sauce is cooking away, Dorothy is taking a nap, and Deanna is playing with her friends. I already got one of my reviews up today, picked up my papers for the coupons, and did a little shopping. 

Deanna is excited that one of her old friends from when she was in pre-school has moved back near us, so close in fact she can play with her almost every day, so now that they have rekindled their friendship they have been in and out of the house all day. Deanna's friend will be eating dinner with us as well as spending the night. Most of the time Deanna's friends get homesick and end up going home so time will tell if it works out. Either way she has another friend to play with. 

Soccer is under way in our area and the girls are glad to be back out there on the fields. 

Deanna is playing her last year on the Youth Team and will move up to playing for the school next year. I was very lucky to receive a pair of new Storelli bodyshield Leg Guards for her to try out for a company I work with.  So far so good. Will be doing a full review for them over on my other blog MarksvilleandMe in the next few days. 

Dorothy is excited as if you couldn't tell from this picture. Here she is getting ready to watch her bigger sister play her game. Her game was already done and over with. Sadly because of our prior engagements the girls missed two of their practices but should be ready this week. 

We had Open House at the school for both of the younger girls earlier this week and all went well. Deanna has a new to this school teacher who seems like he has lots of ideas to make learning fun for the kids. While we were meeting him (only one other parent besides myself was there) another teacher came in asking for me and low and behold it is one of my friends who teaches special ed as well and told me anytime Deanna needs help just let her know and she will be there to help out. 

Deanna's teacher asked if there was anyone I didn't know and I said I knew lots of people but certainly not everyone.at a sweet heart. I certainly feel even better knowing that I have another friend on the inside so I can keep abreast of all of the inner school happenings because if you don't ask, you do not receive when it comes to education for your child.

You may remember from last year that Deanna had three teachers and a pretty hard time during school because of all of the changes so I am hoping this year will be another good year like she had two years ago. 

Next it was onto Dorothy's classroom, and her teacher is great. I instantly hit it off with her and look forward to another rewarding school year for my youngest daughter. This teacher seems to have it all together and that makes me really feel good about the education my child receives. 

Being a parent is hard enough without having to worry about if your child is being taught right or not (don't get me going on common core), but I do like to know that the teacher is competent enough to teach my child what they are presented with. 

One thing that bothered me at the Open House had to do with the way the government tells schools what they have to do no matter how much of a bad choice it is for the students, and how easily even the Principle is pulled into spreading lies to parents who don't have the sense to know better really ticks me off. 

On a good note I think the best idea was a bench that the school has that is multi-colored that was placed on the playground. It is for children who can't find anyone to play with. Of course they are hoping kids take the initiative to go over and play with the child but if they don't the playground aides are supposed to help out.  I have seen them called Buddy Benches but now sure what our school calls them. Either way it is a great idea. 

Dinner is almost ready so off I go to enjoy dinner with the family but hope to be back on soon for another update.

Back to school in Marksville

The girls just finished their first two days of school. They have all been really excited and nervous at the same time to start school. They all have new teachers this year, Dorothy entered 2nd grade and is in the Rock Stars classroom, Deanna started 6th grade with a brand new teacher to our district. Dennise started her last year of school as a Senior and is looking forward to what her future will hold. 

I had a really nice letter from both of the younger girls teachers this week, and sent out emails to both teacher so that I can make sure they are on my contacts list. I look forward to meeting them during Open House.

Dorothy and Deanna start Soccer this weekend, which starts another year full of games to attend for all of the different sports they do. Thankfully so far Dorothy only does two sports, but Deanna is interested in a lot more and once she hits 7th grade she will have to make some choices between which ones she can do because some are played at the same time.

Deanna was not able to be in Choir this year because it would not fit into her schedule but I still have one more call to make to see if they can possible change a few things to accommodate her wishes. her favorite thing about being in 6th grade is that she can sit with whoever she wants to at lunch.

Dorothy was finally glad to be able to wear her new clothes and meet her teacher. She was a little afraid she wouldn't have any of her friends in her classroom, but has had no complaints and really likes her teacher so far. She brought a bag home today that she has to decorate and return Monday with 4-5 things from around the house that tell something about her. We are including a picture of our family, but the rest  of the items she will pick herself. Will be interesting to see what she picks out. 

They also did a really neat project with different kinds of beads to make a backpack ornament. I will try to include a picture on a different post her bag is not accessible at this time. I love all of the neat things that the younger grades do with the children. She even said they worked on something to give to us already but she isn't sure when we get it. I am thinking on Open House or at the end of the year, depends on what the teacher has planned.

Dennise  the child who has filled our lives with music is now a Senior and with that comes a whole year filled with activities for both her and her parents. It really is as busy for the child as it is for the parent or guardian. She already brought home her BBQ tickets to sell for Home Coming. We have turned in Dennise's Senior picture, baby picture, her Senior Quote, and another picture she wanted submitted for flashback something. My husband is working on a project for the yearbook to hand in as well. And this is just the first two days of school. 

Dennise decided against getting her picture taken by the school and has submitted the one she took, although we really like another one that was taken better, I believe we still have time to change it, but in the end it will be her choice. 

 It just amazes me how all of my children enjoyed school through out the years, with only a few bumps along the way. Seems like yesterday I was putting our first born on the bus. It is hard to believe we will be seeing our third child graduate in 2015, along with all of her friends. It won't be long till our last graduates, and then our grand children after them. The times goes by so quickly. 

As for my husband who started back to college 2 days before the girls returned to school, did very well over the summer keeping himself on the President's List. I am very proud of him and can not wait to see him walk across the stage next Spring and then move onto his 4 year college. 

MarksvilleandMe wishes everyone a great year ahead in what ever area you are studying.