As I sit here thinking about life I pledge to not put myself last anymore. Years of putting me off is what got me here. Telling myself when this happens then I can do this but when that happened, I just added something else to the list and put myself farther down on the never ending list of things to do. Maybe it stems from always feeling like I didn't quite fit into this world. Always different most people would agree. When they made me they actually brke the mold. Something my mother always would say. Never really understanding why people treat people they way they do. I am always trying to make everything better for someone else, putting myself out there so others can walk all over me and when they are done they just toss me aside. Kind of hurts a bit, but the next day I pick myself right back up and try, try again. I remember falling off my bike when I was learning to ride and my father saw I was hurt and he wanted to just throw the bike out and never let me ride it again. He never wanted to see me hurt. Thank God for my mother because she always taught me to get right back up and do what I wanted to do and eventually it would work out. So against my father's better judgement I got back on and rode that bike learning in not time at all. Years later you would see me riding back and forth to friends houses, my father's job, or just a long bike ride with my friends. One of my favorite activites next to swimming, singing, and reading. Like my bike riding friends of yesteryear would tell you, "you can ride and sing at the same time". Socially I am a butterfly but on the inside I have my doubts. I have no problem opening up to almost anyone. Why hide who you are, you only live once. I know some of you are laughing because you know you hear me before you see me most times. I have the gift of Gab thanks to my father and I make friends pretty fast, but with that goes tons of responsibility. Did you ever think that people don't really pay attention when you are speaking? I try to absorb as much as possible but my brain can only hold so much. If I have a headache all bets are off I probably won't retain more then a fraction of what people say but give me a clear day and I can absorb the world. So much useless information runs through my head but how many times have people had a problem and I could list a few ways they could take care of said problem. I guess it isn't so useless after all. I had a teacher once that told me "it isn't how much you know that matters but knowing where to find the answers". Thank you Mr. Driggs.
I love my children with all my heart but now know that no matter what, I can not raise them to be perfect. Oh I want them to be, like I wanted things to be perfect before taking care of myself. I have held back my love for my husband, and the few times that I have given it all I felt embarrassed. A little open but at least it is the truth. Even with that our marriage it pretty strong we have stormed many a storm and we are still standing strong. I have held back speaking up for my children because I didn't want to stand out too much. Held back disaplinning my children, afraid of what Society thinks. I see a lot of parents afraid to displine and everyone wonders why the kids are so mouthy, disrespectful, or demanding these days. We let them become this way. Back in my day if you swore you got a slap in the face and you didn't say it again ( at least not where it could be heard) of course now when you try to disapline, kids have been taught to threaten to say I'll call Social Services and such, make things up or blow it out of proportion, just to get back at someone. Most kids today have not been abused, but just use it as a crutch thinking they will get what they want. These are terrible practices. There ARE children out there that are abused but the system is so overrun with bogus calls they can't concentrate on some that really need to be taken care of. It is time for everyone to take care of their own and protect the family unit and better their lives. What ever happened to it takes a villiage to raise a child? Again people afraid to yell at someone else when they see them doing wrong. So kids go around thinking they can do what they please because Mom and or Dad will never find out. By the way KUDOS for those parents or neighbors who have stepped up to the bar to let parents know their kids have done wrong and extra Kudos if you told the child you know you aren't suppose to do that, "what would your parents say?". I have stood back and watched many people do wrong. Oh I speak up but only when it felt safe to do so, or when I was backed into a wall and it was my only choice. It took me a long time to overcome this part and still find myself right back there. I am just finally seeing that trying to make everyone happy actually made no one happy for any lenght of time. I have a child so messed up from his bio family and the things he has seen, he is afraid of them, doesn't want to see them, has nightmares about them. Then there are people who will sit and point the finger at the one parent and say you couldn't take care of your kids. She didn't have support, she did her best with what she had. She placed the kids into care and the kids are doing better. Sure they will have problems but they are working through them day by day. Be happy that the kids are safe, and don't judge you have not walked a day in this persons shoes. Take time step back, take a little time for yourself, reflect on your life and start making those changes, appointments, or commitments now. Don't Wait!