Suicide Prevention Month

Finally I was able to get some pictures of my daughter to have for this blog. Even though my daughter did not take her life she did hurt herself many times. The scars on her body are proof enough to anyone who may think differently. Her father cut himself, her aunt burned herself, and her older sister even cut a few times, but no where near what this young lady who I am proud to call my daughter has done.

For the most part people who cut themselves do it as a way to get through tough times they are having  in their lives or a way to try and forget the past. Everyone has their own way of working through problems that come their way, some ultimately give up and end up taking their lives, leaving those who loved them behind wondering why didn't they reach out.

I noticed the cuts when I accidentally walked in on my daughter getting ready for her shower. I didn't say anything until after she showered and got dressed. Then we had a heart to heart. I knew one of the reasons she might be cutting, and she told me the rest.

One is from something that happened to her while she was younger and the others were well just plain old regular teen stress combined with some really mean bullies. Mind you my daughter is bigger not only by weight to most of the bullies but also in height, hand, and foot size. She is not small in any way, accept from the inside.

She has always been quick to protect others while letting everything that was bothering her build up inside. She didn't want to bother me who has been sick most of my life and when this cutting was at the height my husband had an accident at work that changed his life and our families lives forever. So she just didn't want to burden us anymore.

I quickly told her it was never a burden to hear her concerns, and there is always time to talk. I am here for her like my mother was there for me. Sure I never cut, burned, or hurt my body in any way, other then punishing myself for things I had done wrong in life. I HAVE wanted to die before, just to end the pain and sickness I have had to endure all of my life. What keeps me going is my children, who gives me breath everyday is God, and my husband fills in everywhere else in my life.

I explained to her there will always be mean people because there is a Devil, and those who follow him are some of the meanest people on earth who people will follow just because it easier to do so then to follow the right ticket for Hell. Sorry to be blunt but it is very clearly stated in the Bible.

What about the people who felt there was no other way then to take their lives? I can just go by what the Bible says but ultimately that is going to be between God and them someday. It is not for me to be judge or jury. Everyone has to answer for what they have done in their lives.

My heart goes out to those who take their lives because the devil just kept on them until they did it. Telling them there was no one to turn to, nobody will listen, nobody can do anything, the list goes on and on.

Anyone who may be reading this and doesn't want to believe there is a God and have thought about hurting yourself, others, or even going as far as trying to take your life. There is someone out there that cares. Keep reaching out, don't give up there are people who love you. Open your eyes and tell the Devil if you believe or the voice inside your head to get away because you have a right to live and be happy.

The world is not a perfect place by any means, people are mean, some do it because someone is mean to them and others do it just because well they have been led to be mean by the own voices in their heads. They think they are better, want to have control, or even just can't control themselves or words. Everyday that God gives us breath is a blessing. Sure we might be in pain, sick, depressed, etc but there is always something to live for, someone in a worse situation.

Life is precious, reach out, you deserved to be loved and happy.


My daughter overcame cutting herself. She opened up, reached out, and began to live life again. Does she think about it sometimes? Yes she does, but she told herself that day she stopped August 5,2014 if she could go a year without cutting herself she would get her first tattoo. What does she do to keep from cutting. Well now she has a permanent symbolic tattoo to remind her each day. She also sings, meditates, and reaches out to those around her.

 She is strong, she is beautiful, she is my daughter, 

she is a survivor. 

Update on the frontlines

Life has been a bit busy. Between school, Dr.'s appointments, other appointments, college, and regular household stuff we have had more than our fill of full days. I wanted to update that neither of our daughters were able to play soccer this year.

Dorothy couldn't because our bank account is still messed up from a charge that was not ours so we were not able to pay for her to play and once we did get money it was too late. None of my kids have ever missed a year playing soccer until they chose to give it up. It was really hard after we had already went through our soccer gear and found everything that fit both of them and had their soccer bags ready to go.

Some of you may know that Deanna was attending British Soccer Camp which she really enjoyed. The counselor said she is a born leader and would make a great team captain. Alas she wasn't even allowed to try out because her physical was not until after the tryouts. They just would not budge on it. Again totally sucks. Most schools in other states do not have to have sports physicals until High School but not Good old New York they mess just about everything they can up when it comes to children.

OK my rant is done on the soccer thing.  We did turn this around and make our regular soccer game days family day where we play games together. The girls seem optimistic about this and we really need to reinitiate regular game play after long summer days of swimming, hiking, and staying up to all hours of the night.

As for my husband he is back on another antibiotic his ear pain started up right after his second appointment with the Dr. His hearing has improved in his right ear and has a little tiny bit of hearing coming back in his left ear, so I hope this round of antibiotics does the trick.

I will get to more of what is happening in my daughter Dennise's life hopefully tomorrow night I need a picture or two with hers.

As for me I have an appointment coming up with the Disability Dr. which will make the thumbs up or down on my disability case. The third party person said there was not job I could keep, so that when towards me it was just that I didn't put all of my illnesses down on the paper just the one that made me so I couldn't do even normal everyday things with out a great deal of help, or days of working at it to get it done. Things that took minutes to do now take me all day to do, if I get them done at all.

I didn't even go to open house at the school because I didn't know if they would have the elevators working to get up to see my daughter's teacher and didn't even want to think about trying to walk from class to class for my older daughter. I am going to call the school and see if they can set up an appointment after school for me to meet the teacher all in one location.

I guess that is about it for now. We are living, happy, and have each other. It is one of the things that gets me through each day.

Did you say something?

That is what we have been hearing the last few days. My husband had a problem with impacted ears and finally he broke down and said to set him up an appointment. He hates going to the Dr. for his ears, anything else I can usually get him to go in for a bit quicker but with his ears I have to wait for him to tell me to take him in.

Of course he waits till Friday afternoon to ask before the Holiday Weekend so I called the office, our Dr. is still on vacation and the other lady can't fit him in before the end of the day so they tell us to go to the Hospital.

We were in an out pretty quickly although we didn't expect for them to tell us he had a double ear infection, and no ear wax at all in his ear at the time. We left picked up his antibiotic and went on home. My husband didn't sleep more then a half hour, and finally Sunday morning, crying in agony, we take him back to the hospital.

This time it is not quick, they had beds in the halls, you had to walk between things like a maze it was crazy. The Dr takes a look at his ear and informs us that now the infection is in his ear canal and the lump on the side of his face may or may not be a abscess. The hit my husband with a shot of main medication which does nothing and they are like really? He tells them the pain is worse, they then order new medication which are taken by mouth. Take his blood twice. The came to put medication in his ears, were supposed to be back but what happened next took much longer then expected.

Across from where my husband was they have the trauma unit and the Dr.'s all rushed over doing chest compressions for over an hour and half. I am not sure what was happened, all that I know is that we prayed right there and then for this person. We were in their for ear pain and this person was fighting for their life.

Once things settled down they came back over put a wick in my husband's ear canal, gave us a new prescription for a antibiotic, pain medication, and ear drops, and to see the Dr. and Ears Nose and Throat specialist when they open back up Tuesday.

When we left there my husband's ear was feeling a little bit better as in he couldn't fee much pain, picked up the medication that was ordered and came home. About a half hour after we were home the pain started again, and that is when we realize they gave him the same pain medication he had been taking before we returned to the hospital instead of the one that worked in the hospital.

So my husband has been popping the pain medication every hour instead of every 4 hours just to keep the pain bearable, on top of that he now has a severe sharp pain that runs through his head, on top of not being able to hear anyone.

He has been yelling really loud, he has the TV loud and can not hear it so now that he knows it was too loud for us he has closed captioning on when it is available. The pain has also started up in the ear that wasn't as bad as the other.

This morning I guess hew as sitting outside and someone from our neighbors yard came over. He could see their lips moving but couldn't hear a thing they said. He isn't sure if he talked normal or yelled at them. It couldn't have been important or they would have told one of the kids what they wanted.

I welcome your prayers that his hearing problem is not permanent. I will be on the phone first thing tomorrow after the kids get on the bus for their first day of school to see how soon they can take a look at his ears.

Answer to... I never Wanted to Work… I just wanted to be a Mom

Tonight I read a post by another blogger and she asked how other parents felt and I went to reply but it turned into a blog of my own so I am going to answer it here on my own blog. 

You can find Midget Momma's post here. 

As a child I always dreamed of working with people. Some of the things I wanted to do were become a Lawyer, change the world, work in the peace corp, but being sick from birth this was really unrealistic for me. It didn't stop me from pushing myself when I was well though. 

Even though the Dr.'s didn't want me working I took on a few jobs growing up like babysitting, picking strawberries, feeding calves, milking cows, working in a mom and pop store. 

Once I was a mom I returned to work from time to time when we needed money even though the Dr.'s said I shouldn't. Over the last 24 + years of being both a mom and wife I returned to the mom and pop store I had worked in as a teen, then moved onto a grocery store, cleaned houses, ran my own child care, worked with the mentally disabled, worked at a theater, dabbled in merchandising, and finally settled on Blogging which fits right in with my life. 

I have a weak immune system that I have lived with since birth, several blood disorders, bad kidneys, and the final blow that put my life on hold was getting fibromyalgia. My body finally said look enough is enough you have been warned not to work too many times we are shutting it down. So here I am wondering what to do. 

Over the years I have written diaries, online journals, and after several of my readers said I should start a blog, which I really knew nothing about I said sure I'll give it a try. Others said you can review products and keep them for free. Others said some companies will even pay you. 

I am not making enough to pay any one bill, but over the year I am able to put away gifts for Birthdays, Christmas, as well as having gift cards on hand to purchase things for our home. I don't get to pick the stores that I get the gift cards for, but I make do the best I can. 

My husband was hurt at his job several years ago. Recently his workman's comp had ended and they say he will be disabled for the rest of his life. So here we are waiting for his Disability to go through. Just a note, they turn down everyone who is under 50 the first time (at least this is what I have been told). My husband has always been a good worker, a overtime hog, moved up the ladder in any of his jobs quickly, loved by his coworkers, and now that is gone. He has gone through all kinds of emotional moments because of not being able to do things he used to do. It is so sad that one fall can change your life in so many ways. 

Right now we are depending on Public Assistance which we thought we would never have to do again. We were on it a short time when we were still teen parents, never expecting that we would have to depend on it again. I recently had my Disability court date and the third party person told the Judge with my problems there would be no job I could keep for any length of time. That was really depressing. 

You may be asking what about blogging? Well not everyone who blogs can make a rent or mortgage payment much less a car payment per month, so am I going to give up blogging? Not at all. I love to talk and write so blogging is a perfect way for me to stay in touch with others on my own time, around my illnesses, and still be home to take care of my children (although most days they really take care of me). Big parts of me are gone forever and some parts resurface from time to time and then I over do things to get back on track. 

For instance I used to be able to look after 12+ child care children, our own 4 at the time, as well as take care of the house, run errands, and have dinner on the table, as long as I wasn't ill. Now if I get the dishes done once or twice a month it is a miracle. I am currently blogging from time to time for Best Buy which either pays me in product or a gift card. I hope to have enough Gift cards to purchase a portable dish washer as we do not own our home, but this might help me out enough that I can again give my family a nice hot meal on the table more then 2-3 times a month. 

When I have energy I use it all up and end up in pain for many days after. The Dr. keeps telling me I can not do what I used to do that I shouldn't have been doing in the first place, that I have to pace myself. I tell him it is hard to pace myself on a good day because I just want to get as much done as I can so I can feel good about what I have accomplished. 

Sure I have tons of happy pictures from this summer from getaways with our children. What you don't see is me sitting down in one area and letting my children go on the rides around the area I was sitting in, or when we could get a electric scooter me rolling around so they could see more of the parks we went too. We went to the beach and had a great time, but for 3 days  after I was in so much pain that I couldn't do anything other then get out of bed, stay in my pajamas, and wish I could do things around the house. 

Having Fibromyalgia is no fun, being disabled sucks, but I try to keep my head up when I can, along with having faith that this is the path I am supposed to be on while on this Earth. 

Back to the question. "I would love to hear your feelings if you have been in this situation or some tips on how to handle the mommy guilt and feeling like crap about working when being a Mom was what you wanted to do vs working like you are." quoted from Midget Momma

Do I feel guilty about when I worked out of the home? I sure do I missed out on my older children's youth as well as finding out years later things were not always what they seemed when I was putting in all of those overtime hours. Our children kind of raised themselves when we were not home for about 4 and half years, things were not always kosher. I can't change what happened in the past, all I can do is make things different now. I still beat myself up about working outside of the home more often then anyone would know. 

My children have missed out on lots of things because of me being sick so often, but the days I am well I try to make the best of the time we have together and hope someday they will look back like I do on my parents and say how did they do it all? 

Blogging has actually made it possible to do more things with my children then I ever imagined, from free trips, toys, products for the home, as well as opening my children up to how the retail world, commercials, advertising, and yes even us bloggers help products get noticed by others. 

I wanted to be a mother, not someone who worked outside of the home, but when you are raising your children and need money to pay the bills sometimes these things happen. I am lucky, all of my children are alive, sure some really bad things happened to them, but they are alive and well. I can't take back what happened yesterday but I can change tomorrow.

My faith gets me through, as well as lots of meditation, yoga, love for my family, stubbornness (being a taurus does that), a will to survive, and prayer. I have a zeal for life, smile everyday and love to learn new things. 

I have always said if you do not enjoy your job, then don't do it and move on. If it doesn't make you happy then it isn't right for you. For my friend blogger out there, take time for your children everyday. Even if that means bringing them into the blog to review items, spend time reading that book you have to review for children. Let them tell you how they liked it and write it from their perspective. Work early in the morning or late in the evening, but make sure you take time for yourself as well. 

I love to talk and write but I also love to read, which I try ti fit in everyday, and I don't mean reading to the kids before bed which we call snuggles and stories. One of my favorite things in the world to do is to take a bath and read. With Fibromyalgia I can not get into the bathtube and out again so on those good days when I can I relish the time I have to lay back and take a bath while reading.

From one mom to another life is hard and you have to do the best with what you were given. Some people have more, some people have less I am somewhere in between and I am fine with that. Hugs to all of the moms out there, take one day at a time, cherish the time you have now, tomorrow is not promised. 

Samantha is struggling

Some of you may remember that Samantha blessed us with our first granddaughter while she was still in High School. Having a baby didn't stop her from completing school on time, or even being the first teen mother to pump milk in our school.

The day after graduation she started working and from then on she never stopped until she went on leave for our second grand daughter's birth. After she had her second baby things went South pretty quickly. I noticed she was losing weight way to quickly. Her excuse was that she was working a lot, running, and taking care of the girls, which left me saying well maybe but the weight didn't stop and soon I asked to see her hands and sure enough she had teeth mark scars on on her knuckles from making herself vomit after eating.

On top of this she would stop eating for days, binge, and then purge. I told her she had to talk to the Dr. or I would and that I would tell them she was coming in to see them because the eating disorder was taking over her mind. Even with the Dr.'s help with her having no insurance she couldn't stay on her medication. Soon she was in and out of the hospital being infused with vitamins and them trying to get her to eat.

She decided to move far away thinking that would stop everything and if it didn't she would be closer to facilities for eating disorders that are not near where we live. Living in the country and being in a poor county doesn't help places that can help daughters like mine set up business.

She has been in and out a few times since she has moved, she has a Dr, and specialists, as well as a clinic that is trying to help her. The last time she was in the Hospital, which she still is in they had her on a feeding tube. She had gone two weeks without vomiting and today stress got to her from something that shouldn't have even been done by someone so close to her because they know that stress is her number one trigger. If she doesn't feel like she has control of the situation she resorts to vomitting or not eating because that is the one things that she can control, or more like what controls her now.

She is just 21 with 2 little girls to take care of and a not so stable relationship. Her being far away is also putting stress on our family. Everytime the phone rings we worry. I want to just go, pick her and the girls up, bring them back here, so I can take care of them, but she is an adult, she likes her freedom. I want to give her that room, but the mom in me doesn't like it one little bit. I worry about her day and night and can't sleep most nights. I usually start falling asleep of pure exhaustion in the early hours of the morning when the sun is starting to come up.

For my other religious readers. I know I try to give it to God but the human side of me worries about her, my heart aches for her. I want it to be like when she was little so that I can just hug or kiss the boo boo away but it just won't help this time. Prayer is the best thing I can do for her along with being here to listen to her when she wants to talk.

Samantha is struggling but I still have faith that she will overcome this sickness, and be able to move on to raise her two granddaughters and see them someday give her grand children of her own. That is my wish for her. To be happy everyday with herself. To love herself, so she can love others.

I don't think she or my other children will ever realize just how much I love, care, dream, or think about them every minute of the day. Besides God waking me everyday, they are one of the first things and last things I think about each day, the reason I keep moving on. They are my life.

My Lost Son

Why did I name this "My Lost Son". Well here is the story from what I know, he got mad at us for something, blaming us for others, and can't come to terms with the damage he caused to his siblings from choices he made.

He cut off contact with us and wants us to figure out what is wrong. Well I tell you I know what is wrong his mind is clouded with drinking and drug use, he is not listening to God.

Do I still love him? You bet I do. Everyone makes mistakes and until he is ready to live up to the ones he made, his mind will be clouded with blaming others instead of trying to make amends for things he did that he knew were wrong, and doesn't want to admit to.

Most of the things he did wrong I didn't even get to talk to him about because I didn't find out about them until he had left the nest, so is his mind playing with him, making him feel guilty and his only recourse is to hate his parents.

That might be the case but either way I hope he comes to his senses before his father or I pass on. Until then I will continue to pray for him.

I miss being able to talk to him, hear about his magic shows, and how life is being married now. (We weren't even invited to his wedding, and no one who would have set him straight was either, they only invited the people who follow instead of lead).  I hope someday to be able to catch up on it all.

Everytime we our out near where he lives I hope to run into him, catch a glimpse of him, anything to hold on to. Every now and then someone sneaks me a picture of him which I look at daily until I get a new one.

He was my first born, looks like both his dad and mine which makes him quite the catch. I wish him and his wife all the luck in the world, but hope he never forgets about his family or how we raised him to be strong, independent, adaptive, forgiving, and loving of God.

One day I hope to write to you all and let you know that our son has returned. I was kind of hoping he would watch "confessions of a prodigal son", so he could understand that we love him unconditionally, no matter what he has done wrong, we will always listen to him, be here for him, until we have passed on , and then I hope our words of encouragement throughout the years keep him moving forward.

If you happen to read this Buke know we will always love you.

Life isn't always easy

I guess I will start with what has been going on with my husband since last year. He graduated being on the President's list every semester, and is now sporting a nice Degree. He may plan to go back to school and go for the next step in his degree, but for now he is taking a little time off.

Being disabled and going to college really took its toll on him. He is thankful he was able to go but wasn't even able to go to graduation because the walk, standing, etc was just too hard on his leg, and back, but don't worry we got some pictures of my husband all dressed up in his finest on the day my daughter Dennise graduated from high school a little more then a month later.

His workman's comp case ended leaving him disabled for the rest of his life. He has a lot of roadblocks on how he can work, how much time he can work, and where even in a building his office will have to be because of him not being able to walk that well.

We are currently waiting for his Disability to kick in, until then well we are struggling a bit, Ok more like a lot. We are a strong family that can adapt but the road has been a bit rough to say the least. He is in pain every day with both his leg and back , as well as having edema.

When we first noticed the edema they said his heart, blood pressure etc was fine, but months have gone by and now my husband's blood pressure has been high for a while, with the edema not going away. We are due for a physical soon and then we will know how he really is doing after the new blood tests come back.

He is used to working long hours, overtime, and giving it his all. He isn't used to depending on others and it makes him more then a little angry at the smallest things. He is used to being the one with the strength to get everything done, not the one who needs help with things he could do easily before. There are things he could do in minutes that takes him all day to do, things that took hours that take weeks, and some things he only wishes he could still do.

He never really understood what being disabled really meant until it happened to him. The thing is there are people with way worse things going on with their disabilities and he wonders just how to they get along when he has such a hard time.

Each disability is different and has different effects on each persons life that is attached to it from the very person who has the disability to the family and friends they are surrounded by. We take each day at a time, and try to get through his hard days.

Lots of yelling and anger come from him but I know this time will pass and it will regulate, he is just having a hard time getting used to it. He would usually depend on me in the end but with me having Fibromyalgia even I can only do so much for him, and it falls short in so many ways. Prayer is always accepted for our family, matter of fact it is welcomed.

Life isn't always easy, but I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else.